i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
