it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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