im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
