I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
