Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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