Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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