you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
