I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
