guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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