the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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