Porn is love you can see.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
