the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
