we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
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How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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