They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
