I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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