The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
