Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
