***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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