If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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