i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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