Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
