Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
