Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
