I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
