I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
