so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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