We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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