I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
