I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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