I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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