Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
