I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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