and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
my liver is dry heaving
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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