Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
