Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
