Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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