3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you traded sex for a burrito?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
