seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
