Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
