rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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