Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
