On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
