Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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