I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
