stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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