New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
