when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
