Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
