so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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