awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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