I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I skipped work to stalk him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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