im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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