I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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