If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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