After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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