Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
