when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
