saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
