everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
