Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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