Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
