Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
