I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if i died would you start the facebook group?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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