I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
