I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
